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Virtual Topical Jokes


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#1 mickeyboy

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Posted 27 November 2012 - 10:53 PM

Seeing as " Boom Boom" jokes died a death, how about telling us some topical jokes, local or in the news, or even funny one liners? Bringing in local characters or places into the mix, so much the better.....

One day a lost yellow and blue parrot walked up to the counter in Sainsbury. The parrot said to the assistant "Got any grapes or grain?"
"No" replied the assistant. The parrot smiled and walked out the door. A little while later the parrot returned and asked "Got any grapes or grain?" The assistant replied "No! I already told you 15 minutes ago, I don't have any grapes OR grain!"
The parrot smiled and once again walked out of the store. Ten minutes later, the parrot returned and asked once again "Got any grapes or grain?" The irate assistant yelled "No! We didn't have any, we don't have any and we're not going to have any! If you come back in here again, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" The parrot smiled (imagine that) and walked out the door. Later that day the parrot returned and asked "Got any nails?" The clerk said "NO!". The parrot replied "Good. Got any grapes or grain?"


over to you

Edited by mickeyboy, 27 November 2012 - 10:54 PM.


#2 ChewderOde

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Posted 27 November 2012 - 11:12 PM

bloke goes into the grape and grain and sees a dog licking itself in the corner - goes up to the barman and says "cor - wish I could do that" - and the barman says "give him a biscuit and he'll probably let you"

boom bleedin boom

#3 Summit Lover

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Posted 28 November 2012 - 06:01 PM

Not a joke as such, but it made me smile...

http://www.newsshopp...ht__escape_bid/

#4 RetiredMember1

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Posted 28 November 2012 - 06:12 PM

Boom boom! :lol:

#5 GillyMS

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Posted 28 November 2012 - 08:18 PM

Love it... Karma :)

#6 hild

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Posted 28 November 2012 - 09:38 PM

http://www.amazon.co...54137818&sr=8-1

Read the reviews... Warning - contains descriptions of an extremely unsexy nature!

#7 Summit Lover

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Posted 28 November 2012 - 09:42 PM

http://www.amazon.co...54137818&sr=8-1

Read the reviews... Warning - contains descriptions of an extremely unsexy nature!


HaHaHaHaHa

I thought Amazon previewed comments before they show them. if so, good for them for having a SOH!

#8 Billy S

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Posted 28 November 2012 - 11:37 PM

HaHaHaHaHa

I thought Amazon previewed comments before they show them. if so, good for them for having a SOH!


Amazon reviews deserve a book of their own!

Bic announced "Pens for Her" - the second review on the page is particularly good.
http://www.amazon.co...54145719&sr=1-1
Love The Triangle...

#9 RetiredMember1

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Posted 29 November 2012 - 09:15 AM

Love the comments after it too! :lol:

#10 mickeyboy

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Posted 29 November 2012 - 07:21 PM

A lady goes to see the Priest, residing in 25 CR, one day and confesses, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously.The QH local 'ladies of the night' explains that the two female parrots repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaims. After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner."
"Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

#11 SimonC

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Posted 30 November 2012 - 09:53 AM

http://www.amazon.co...54137818&sr=8-1

Read the reviews... Warning - contains descriptions of an extremely unsexy nature!


The 2nd review is the funniest thing I have read in ages.

It's going round the office (and beyond) as I write, with much hilarity.

#12 RetiredMember1

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Posted 30 November 2012 - 10:50 AM

My boyfriend is an actor. Last summer he landed an unusual role - he was in a one-man play about a transsexual. For this, my 6'2" hairy hunk had to completely defuzz his face, arms and legs. For the latter, he used Veet several times a week. After a month, he reported that it had started to dissolve his fingernails, there being keratin in both hair and nails! :o :o :o :lol:

#13 gekko

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Posted 30 November 2012 - 05:03 PM

That's the first time I've seen the Veet one although there are loads of these types of reviews on Amazon (I've seen the Bic for Her one before and that's hilarious too). Reading that second Veet review, I'm practically crying in the office and wondering if I dare email it on to a colleague :D.
Mel, Forum Moderator

#14 centralhilleagle

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Posted 03 December 2012 - 12:19 PM

The stuff they sell in Amazon! http://www.amazon.co...&sr=1-1-catcorr 'If you only buy one 20 inch canvas print of Paul Ross this year, this is the one to get'

Or for Methylated spirits: http://www.amazon.co...iews/B002ATI4VG

'A triumph...
From the moment you remove the cap you realise you're in for a treat. Fresh, bright, smoky, with a mineral edge and rounded, fruity nose. Midweight and bold, possessing some edge and no little bite, yet remaining smooth, balanced and satisfying. This is a drink to enjoy with friends in a park. Highly recommended.'

#15 RetiredMember1

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Posted 03 December 2012 - 12:40 PM

Love it - and below the Paul Ross print? These:

Edited by GillW, 03 December 2012 - 12:41 PM.